"We're here, we're queer, for the last time, get used to us...and Stevie, be a dear and shut the f**k up!"

Of all the non-issues that drive me to fits of eye-rolling annoyance, the one that has kept the retinas spinning the most lately is the same-sex marriage debate. The Conservatives, no doubt sweaty, giddy and breathless from watching hours of porn (i.e. the Bush inauguration) on Fox News Canada yesterday, are once again looking to divide this country over the issue of whether or not two people of the same gender can book a caterer and get a few invitations printed.

Our story so far: The Supreme Court has spoken, and the government will be looking to pass legislation to reflect what they said . Meanwhile, Stevie Harper, in a fit of opportunistic cross-cultural "Gott Mitt Uns", is trying to rally ethnic communities who traditionally back the Liberals to take a stand for 'traditional' marriage. Ironic, given the variety of traditions some of these communities have historically applied to marriage: you know, the woman as property, the institutionalized rape, the sanctioned domestic violence. Meanwhile, in the 'western' tradition that most Conservatives subscribe to (and renew their subscriptions with the usual Islamophobic riffing about a clash of civilizations), marriage began as a secular (which in 2005 terms, would mean evil), civil ceremony, which would be later blessed by the local church.

Paul Martin, to his credit, has responded to Stevie Wonder's intolerant gambit by calling his bluff. The only upside to this current mid-winter outbreak of homophobia is that it appears that the bigots among us have stopped claiming homosexuality is a gateway to pedophilia. Too bad they now claim it's the gateway to Polygamy.

Geez, with all the trouble some people are having trying to marry just one person they love, why would they want any more spouses? If you're that opposed to same-sex marriage, don't have one.