Unfinished Business

A couple of things I'd like to take care of:

1. I would like to call upon any and all individuals or groups, with such an inclination, to take out Pat Robertson. Not only does this hate-mongering charlatan encourage the Bush Administration to break international law by assassinating Hugo Chavez, his 'Operation Blessing' also stands to profit handsomely from donations intended for the victims of Hurricane Katrina.

Oops...did I say "take out"? Does that mean I want him dead? Wait...I can play the backtrack game just as well as Pat does on the 700 Club...I meant take him out...to the ballgame! Yeah, that's it! Buy him some peanuts and Cracker Jacks - I don't give a f**k if he ever comes back...

2. Although I will have to wait until the 69th Amendment is passed (the one that allows foreign-born persons to run for President, it comes after all the amendments permitting and denying same-sex marriage), I would like to announce my candidacy for the Presidency of the United States (pause for emphasis).

My platform is simple - I will run on the pledge to not go on vacation during the month of August. I will remain at my post in the Oval Office rather than puttering around America's buttplug (Crawford, Texas). I will be there to pay attention when people like Military Intelligence and the FBI, or the National Weather Service and the Army Corps of Engineers tell me something really, really, really, really, really, really, really bad is going to happen during the first two weeks of September, and I will do something to knock off a few "reallys" before the bad actually hits.