Buy something or get out

It's less than a week until Xmas, and some of us may not have selected suitable gifts from loved, liked, or tolerated ones yet. As a public service, this page offers a few suggestions to help those who are late in the holiday gift game.

-If representatives from, say, Future Shop or Home Depot or Canadian Tire or Starbucks stopped you on the street and asked for money in donations of $25, $50, or $100, would you give it to them? No? You don't believe in giving interest-free loans to corporations? Then why the hell would you even think about buying gift cards? Wow, it's like all the fun of buying stock, with none of the returns! If you insist on giving out pseudo-money to friends and family, go with someone with a track record of giving something back to the community.

-I bought my current cell phone in 2001. It has text messaging and a web browser. The only thing I've had to replace on it is the battery charger. Also, I bought my current mp3 player three years ago, and with a few downloaded upgrades, still works fine. The moral of the story is, if you believe what talking beavers and other fuzzy little animals tell you about personal electronics, you're in serious trouble. Jimmy Stewart used to hear angels and six-foot tall rabbits, but only in movies in which he was drinking heavily: what's your excuse?

-A lot of sportswear is made in Third World countries with suspicious labour practices. If you do choose to give this kind of gift, check the label carefully and remember: a portion from every purchase of Vancouver 2010 Olympic merchandise gets put against my property taxes.

-An easy gift choice for any non-Julian or Lunar practitioner is a calendar. This page recommends Pivot Legal Society's Hope in Shadows 2007 Calendar. Downtown Eastside residents borrowed cameras and took their own pictures, proving that it's a real neighbourhood populated by real people who deserve to be treated with dignity. The folks in Point Grey also produced a calendar, but it's all BMWs, golf courses, and bad combovers.

-After the recent episodes of snowstorms, record rainfall, hurricanes and power failures, an emergency kit isn't that bad of a gift idea. Government authorities have advised people to have 72 hours of supplies to fend for themselves, which means that what you should be stockpiling is hard liquor. Over three days, it will hold out longer than beer, wine, or you.

One more thing: if you have to stop at Money Mart before you go to Wal Mart, just go home and send e-cards.