Year of the Bear

In an obvious attempt to compensate for 38 consecutive years of shoddy treatment by the mainstream media, this page has been selected as Time magazine's Person of the Year. While Time attempts to credit the award to internet users everywhere, any sensible observer realizes that, in fact, it's all about me. I would like to take this opportunity to thank me, myself, and of course, the one whom none of this would have been possible without, I.

In a related development, this page was also selected as Sports Illustrated's Sportsman of the Year, more than likely due to my perseverance and dedication in not walking out on several of the Seattle Mariners' futile late-inning rallies during the 2006 baseball season. I would like to thank the good people at Ivar's, Uwajimaya, Kidd Valley, Sodo Pizza and Red Hook Brewery, whose products weighted me to my seat in Section 316 at Safeco Field like a boat anchor, for making this honour possible.

This page, however, should caution readers to avoid the upcoming Playmate of the Year edition of Playboy. After coming up big with Time, everyone else is following suit, and there's a reason why I don't have any photos of myself here...